And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
