go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
