I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
