Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
