so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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