I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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