i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
