Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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