I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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