I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
