D3 body, D1 cock
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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