Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
