I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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