So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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