My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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