now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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