just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
