i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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