I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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