Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have tasted many bathrooms
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
