considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
