I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
