Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
