hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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