I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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