Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
