note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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