In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
