I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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