Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
