i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
