So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
