proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
