hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
