Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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