Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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