Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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