I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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