A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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