Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I can't turn off my feet"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
