I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
