do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?