I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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