I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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