Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
