If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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