I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
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Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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