I bet he comes in French.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
