watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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