he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
