the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
