Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
