I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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