Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
